Punch and Pie

"What comes next?" (Oliver)

2010-08-13T15:52:00.003-04:00

Well, it has been a VERY long time since I have written. It seems that with facebook status reports, emails, texts, etc. pretty much everyone in the world who wants to know (and quite a few who don't) know the silly little details of our lives. However, I recently perused my old blogs and realized they capture something that a facebook status can't. So, we are busy, but I am going to attempt to blog a little.
In the next 24 hours, Matty and I will have a soccer practice for Zoey's soccer team, have team pics, have her first game, and pack all of us (including Nana) in to the very stuffed PT Cruiser and head for North Carolina, probably a little on the Clampett side, but I am really excited. There are complex feelings I have about going home again, but that has been written about ad naueseum, so I'll skip that. I will say that my primary excitement is showing off my beautiful family! I don't know about anyone else, but I find parenting to be just amazing. It is the most strenuous, crazy, fulfilling, funny, and rewarding thing I have ever done. Some days I feel like the world is crashing down under a pile of laundry, poopy diapers, and juice boxes. Other days, I feel we are the most awesome family in the world and there should be a reality show about how wonderful we are (God forbid!). Anyway, it is a rollercoaster.
That's all I have time for for now. Wish us luck!
P.s.--the title refers to Oliver's very funny comment as we videotaped him saying his ABC's. He kept stopping to say "What comes next?" It came across as very Zen and philosophical!

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."

2008-08-11T21:47:00.002-04:00

The wisdom of Annie Dillard is what I have been working on lately--the quote. Every day seems to rush by, like the wind in my ears. I sometimes catch a song, sometimes a siren, sometimes a baby crying, sometimes laughter. So, if I simply give over to each day, I will increase the odds of hearing something good instead of an empty whistle as I try to catch the wind.

This picture is of my dad, Zoey (3 years) and Ollie (almost 4 months) at the zoo. Zoey had been running around the playground, very independent. Ollie had just suffered the Chandler indignity of being changed pretty much anywhere. We had a good day.

It is such a conflicting part of my life that my parents and family live far away. I love my life, and I wouldn't want it to be different, but when we are together it is bittersweet. It is always fleeting--the wind again. But, I make the most of it.

Anyway, summer has been lovely. Lots of rain and storms, which I enjoy. Others have hated the tempermental weather, but I love it. Summer school has been a trial, but interesting as well. I know I will definitely transfer to a high school position when I get a chance.

Vacation in a few short days. I can hardly wait to walk in my old spots in new shoes :)
Amber

"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."

2008-07-14T18:08:00.002-04:00

I contemplated complaining about the weather, and I remembered. It may have been hot today, but at least it isn't snowing--not that I really mind that. Better put: at least it isn't snowing, I'm 7 months pregnant trying to get a Christmas picture in our backyard.

Things are going well enough with summer school, though I am troubled by the whole concept. I can't believe that 5 and 1/2 weeks can replace the entire school year. It doesn't really sink in until you are there doing it with them. If the logic follows, couldn't I just get paid for the whole year by teaching these 5 and 1/2 weeks?! Most of the kids are ok. Mainly, life is in their way, not school.

Well, the kiddos are asleep early, Matty is at work. That means a book is calling my name! I'm reading the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon. I think I'm going to propose it for the next bookclub book. We are reading Interred with their Bones for August 8th. I love our bookclub. I'm a little dorky, but it feels so cool to chat books and life with friends. It kind of makes me feel like I'm in a novel myself--which isn't a bad thing!

Goodnight.
Amber

"Let's have a pajama day..." --Zoey

2008-07-05T22:01:00.002-04:00

Pajama day officially began about eight months in to my pregnancy with Ollie. I just decided that I couldn't get dressed, and if I was going to be in my pajamas all day, then Zoey could keep me company. We made a game of it--we had breakfast for every meal of the day (never really a bad thing). Now, whenever Zoey is tired, she'll suggest a pajama day. It means that we aren't going to leave the house, that we can lounge all day watching tv if we want, that we can read books under blankets--in essence, it means a family day, since we won't be seeing anyone else.

After a very fun 4th of July with the REFRESH crew from church, we were ready to chill today. The get together last night was at the Andersons. Matty, as usual, cooked up some awesome food. He discovered an interesting game called "bucket jam" that is sort of a weird frisbee game. I felt so happy and connected with our group last night. There were kids everywhere--pretty much everyone has at least two. Somehow when there are that many it is easier to watch them. Zoey and the other kids went on the slip and slide that we got for Amber and Brenna for their birthday. By the time the night was over the kids all had blue lips and were shivering, but very happy. Megan made this scary-good s'mores ice cream that was amazing. I'm going to make it one day for my team at school. So good.

Matty played golf today, leaving us to our pajama day. It was a nice break from the chaos of taking two kids on the road. . . going to watch a movie with Matty now.
Amber

"Let God's promises shine on your problems. " ~Corrie Ten Boom

2008-07-02T17:05:00.002-04:00

Here are my kiddos, ready to go, as usual. Last night we went to the BPO at the Botanical Gardens. It was awesome. Zoey brought Leo (a Little Einsteins character who is a conductor) and the two of them stood off to the side and conducted for about half the production. Then she joined Ollie who was already conked out on the picnic blanket. It was a really sweet night with my little buddies.
We met Matty at Fran Ceils for ice cream. He had stayed back to work on the transition from office to playroom.

I chose this quote because I am so excited by a book by Dr. Joyce Meyers called The Power of Simple Prayer. I was listening to it on dvd but am not really in the car long enough at a time to get in to it. So, I checked it out of the library to read. It is interesting and revolutionizing my prayer life. I've always been weary of the line in the Bible that says "pray without ceasing." This book talks about how to do that. Over the course of this new way of praying, I have been more at peace than ever before. I've been struggling with a number of things--should I do department chair? how do I handle my parents not meeting Ollie yet? should I let Zoey (and soon Ollie) sleep with us indefinitely? how can I be more present during the tedious parts of parenting? should we stay put or try to get money together to move? will Matty's freelance career be THE career for him or should he stay in school? I can't say that I have all the answers now, but I am at peace with all of these things right now. Obviously it is impossible to express spirtual matters in a blog of all places, but I am blessed by this book and wanted to pass it on.

On other exciting notes--Ollie giggled yesterday and is getting ready to roll over. Zoey is the light of my life, as always. We are all looking forward to fireworks tonight after Matty's softball game. Happy 4th of July!

Amber

"But if you want facts, Indy, I've none to give you. At my age, I'm prepared to take a few things on faith. "

2008-06-30T10:24:00.007-04:00

So, I have the greatest husband in the world (in case you didn't already think so). Yesterday, at the end of a crazy weekend, he told me we had some errands to do--get the kids ready, etc. I thought we were going to Target; instead, he dropped me off at the 6:20 showing of Indiana Jones. His directions were to eat popcorn and enjoy the break. Did I ever! I loved the new movie, having grown up on Indiana Jones movies. It was like a mini-vacation.

Matty is a wonderful dad, but also an amazing husband. I feel tremendously blessed by our life. So many times people complain about their spouses, kids, etc. I wanted to take a minute to brag. This is my perfect little family--all mini-Matt's.
Amber

"Do no try to get the jar off my head, because it hurts when you pull. Please simply sit next to me and hold my hand, and the jar will soon come off "

2008-06-28T14:56:00.003-04:00

The famous wisdom of Winnie the Pooh...this is Zoey with her friends from church. She's really in to holding hands right now--which is just too cute. I love it. On the left is Kaitlyn, also three, and on the right is Alyssa, five.

We went to see a little program about birds at the library today. It was cute. Zoey raised her hand to ask a question--a good one, I might add! I feel like she is all grown up. She's going to break my heart.

Ollie is a cutie, but is having major gas problems which makes him super fussy. I'm going to get some medicine for him today. I hate to see the little guy in pain.

We are going to Famous Dave's for a late lunch/early dinner. I can't wait for sweet tea :)
Amber

"To be in your child's memories tomorrow, be in his life today."

2008-06-25T16:58:00.003-04:00

Here is little Ollie, looking to me just like a mini-Matt. I picked the quote for today because we are doing such a crazy thing by having Matty stay home with Ollie, just like he did with Zoey. It is a huge sacrifice to give up the money Matty could make working full time; however, when I come home and I have such a happy baby, money doesn't amount to much. Matty can actually make Ollie laugh--I haven't been able to yet.

It is an unusual undertaking--Ollie, like Zoey, will only be taken care of by family, and only Matty or me until he is walking. I look at Zoey and how amazing she is and know that it is worth it. Again though, people tend to devalue the experience but maybe that is simple because most people don't choose it. Moreover, I am so proud of Matty because he is still managing to do his work at the Sun, freelance (he just got a WNY Family article on co-sleeping), and keep our house in relative order. It is amazing to be married to such a great guy. We are a good team.

I guess some people may wonder why I am writing this. I've been really doing some soul searching about the concept of family lately, and I've come to realize a few things:

1) just showing up is a big deal--Chris may not always want to babysit Zoey at 7:15, but she puts on her game face every day. She always makes it seem like it is her pleasure to watch Zoey.
2) families are chaotic, but synergy is amazing when we are all working towards something
3) kids pick up on everything
4) it may not take a village (sorry, I hate Hillary), but I'd say it takes a tribe--my family, my church, the library playgroups, my friends, etc. all impact how our children will turn out
5) if you blink, you'll miss something
6) establishing a "history" is so exciting!
7) a little goes a long way--my sister, Sissy, emailed Zoey a little note yesterday and Zoey printed it out an showed everyone

With that being said, Zoey and I are going to make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. (Funny thing--we call Ollie our little meatball since he is getting his cute little round face)

Amber

"My father was my best friend. . ."

2008-06-18T20:08:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I know I am supposed to be jaded by the overexposure of Tim Russert's funeral, wake, etc. But, I am not. In fact, I watched a whole memorial service on tv this afternoon. It's really weird, my fascination with Tim Russert. Obviously the Buffalo connection is there, but there is more. I guess it comes down to this: how many sons can really say, "My father was my best friend" and mean it the way that Luke Russert appeared to today? I don't think many can. I hope that one day Oliver feels that way about Matty. The tie between parents and children is so curious. Sometimes it is a life line and sometimes it is a noose. Clearly, Luke Russert meant what he said and that amazed me. He also inherited the gift of Tim Russert--the awww shucks down home boy rhetoric, tinged though with a deep understanding of people and politics. I loved his speech at the memorial because the twinkle was in his eye, like his dad's. He made clever jokes--which sounds tacky--but it really was a tribute to just how cool a kid Tim Russert raised. He talked about a "Special Edition" of "Meet the Press " and paired up some really interesting head to head debates for Tim Russert to moderate. It is hard to describe, but it really stood out to me--as both a parent and a teacher. I hope that my kids could be so eloquent and gracious.

Anyway, that is all. I'm surprised how much this is holding me captive. I wonder if the new FMS insurance has enough shrink visits on it to figure that one out? :)

Amber

"Someone tooted...and I guess it must have been me."

2008-06-17T21:20:00.002-04:00

Aaah . . . the innocence of being Zoey. At Toddler Time tonight, right before the class started, Zoey "tooted" loud and clear. The teacher made a joke, saying "There must be a frog in here." Zoey, ever ready to take credit for ANYTHING, says, "Someone tooted. . . and I guess it must have been me." She's kind of my hero right now. She laughs, and everyone laughed with her--not at her.

In the excitement of having a new baby, it's easy to overlook just how cool Zoey is. She's my little buddy and she expresses herself in ways (not tooting necessarily) that I aspire to. Easy to love, wildly emotional, and ready to share herself. It is a wonderful thing to watch her believe that the world is so delightful, so magical, that every morning is a an adventure for her to explore. I foster this, the best I know how, and dread the day she isn't thrilled to exist. After a sort of crappy day yesterday--no particular reason--I made the comment to Matty that my day hadn't been so good. Zoey shared whatever she was snacking on and said, "This will make your day perfect." And it did.

Amber

"My best friend will be there. . . and that will make it really fun."

2008-06-15T18:32:00.003-04:00

Ollie "just chillin" at the picnic. He's 9 weeks old. At his checkup, he was 12 lbs. 3 oz. and in the 97 percintile for height.

Today was the father's day picnic at church. Zoey whispered the quote of the day to me on the way out of her nursery classroom. I could sense the excitement that she and Kaitlyn (in the picture with her) had decided to be "best friends." It choked me up for some reason; perhaps because friendships become so much more complicated ! When I asked her how she knew that Kaitlyn was her best friend, she said, "Because we hold hands and laugh together." Sounds like a good definition to me.

"It's crazy...what his wife laid out for dinner is still in their refrigerator."

2008-06-13T23:17:00.003-04:00

Tim Russert was a Buffalo icon; to the Chandlers, he was a person to admire. Matty took Zoey to meet him a few years ago and today I am especially sad. He was a "good guy" and there's a lot to be said for that. Matty said the quote of the day. It gave me chills. Pray for his family.
Amber

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

2008-06-03T15:47:00.002-04:00

Well, I am surviving being back at school. It is going much better than I had anticipated. There are weird parts--like pumping at school--but overall, everything has been awesome. My team is great, my students are happy to have me back, and Matty has been awesome at home with the kids.

My quote is in response to the chaos of doing writing workshop with 7th graders. There are pretty much two types: "My paper is already good, so what can I possibly have to do" and "I'm not good at writing, so I don't know how to do anything else." The portfolio is a nice way to end the year, but I felt like I was going to go crazy explaining that there is always room for improvement!

Matty and I are doing the two ships passing in the night thing right now. He goes in to write when I get home. However, when he gets home I have the kids asleep and we get to hang out. The rest of the week though is a bit hectic. Tomorrow night we'll be at church for Heather Hilkey's birthday party until 9ish. Thursday night Matty has a softball game in Wolcottville (wherever that is!) and we'll get home around 9:30. No wonder Zoey isn't on a schedule! We are breaking Ollie in to the Chandler way of doing things, and he is doing great so far.

I found out today that I got the summer school job at the high school--two sections of 10th grade and 1 section of 8th grade. I'll make a good amount of money doing that; now my entire Trocaire check will go to our vacation to Maine/New Hampshire. Matty booked the room last night. We are going to stay in Dover--Matty's home town. We'll be there the week of August 18th--just in case any of my NH friends are reading this.

Tonight is Toddler Time and the much awaited PJ Party. Now that Zoey is three, she can go to a second program that starts right after Toddler Time. I'm going to read Monster (the book being recommended for the 10th grade for summer school). I wonder what I should do with the 8th graders? I'll have to ask around and see what teachers have already done.

Gotta run. Don't you love the picture of Zoey and Ollie!?

"I'm sure you'll be ok mommy."

2008-05-30T13:15:00.003-04:00

Matty called and asked if we wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. Ollie was asleep, I hadn't eaten lunch, etc. and I told Zoey that I was really sorry, but she'd have to go without me. Her response: "I'm sure you'll be ok mommy." Too cute. I'll make it, despite missing out on all the fun of Chuck E. Cheese.

Tonight is the annual pie auction at church. (Everyone bakes a pie, they auction them off and donate the money for missions. Really good pies go for a hundred or even two hundred dollars, since it is really just a donation to missionaries anyway) Matty is the auctioneer. It is an event that I always mark time with. When Matty was a DM, I remember paying a hundred bucks for a pie. Now, with two kids, and Matty in college, that seems astounding. However, back then, we were living in a different reality. By the way, the best part of that is that NOW things are so much better, not then. I like that money is not the deciding factor in our happiness. This year we'll be throwing our money in to the chinese auction buckets!

Beforehand, there is a pass-a-dish dinner. I can't even explain to you how much Zoey loves these church dinners. She asks me every week if there is one. (We actually have a dinner for something about once a month, sometimes more) She loves chatting in line, socializing, etc. I have to admit, I am pleased that she is like us in this way. Matty and I really like the social aspect of our church. She fits right in to that. She'll go to nursery while the pie auction is on.
I'm also glad that she has her little friends there. Even when I feel disillusioned with our church for one reason or another, I am always happy with the social parts of it.

I can't believe it, but Monday I go back to school. Our whole schedule is going to be turned upside down. It will definitely be an adjustment. But, like everything else in our Chandler household, nothing really stays the same. This little schedule will only be for June. Then, we'll move in to the summer schedule! It is a good thing we are all flexible. I don't know what we'll do when Matty is teaching. All of us on an 8-3 schedule will be nuts! I'm sure by then we'll be ready to settle down.

I'm going to run. Started another Wallace Stegner book, but I'm not getting into it very much.
Amber

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

2008-05-25T20:51:00.004-04:00

Aaah...silence at last. Today, for some unknown reason, Ollie cried (when he was awake) for about six hours. Zoey and I both were a nervous wreck by the end of the day. I don't really know what was wrong with him, but he is fine now. I, on the otherhand, am exhausted. I chose the bird picture because there are two nests on our backporch, both filled with baby birds. You can hear them chirp for food incessantly--until the mama bird comes back. That, my friends, has been my day. Ollie eats like a little piglet (11 pounds 2 ounces at 7 weeks--up from 7 pounds 13 oz at birth). I feel constantly like a food delivery system, which, by the way, I know I am. And, when you have a three year old who pretty much grazes all day and doesn't eat a full meal--well, you get the mama bird analogy.

I don't know how my sister Brandie did it. Parker, her oldest, had colic and cried for four months straight. I would have lost my mind. Ollie has never cried this much, and I hope that it never happens again. Zoey had one day like this. I think it was 4th of July her first year; there were fireworks, I remember that. I remember crying on the second story deck--both me and her crying.

It is amazing to me that Ollie will grow up and be able to tell me what is wrong. That he will never remember whatever was ailing him today. Will never remember that I held him ALL DAY! I think about this all the time. What would happen to him if I let him "cry it out" like some people would advise? If so much of our "core" is created in the first three years, how can parents do it so differently, all of us thinking we are right. AAAH! No one told me being a parent would be so philosophical. I remember getting pregnant with Zoey and being overwhelmed by the pure potential that we had created. A whole human, or as Matty said, "I'll make my own people!" With Ollie, I kind of forgot that, until today. I spent today wondering who he is and who he will become. He's starting to smile and look a lot like Zoey now. I hope he takes after her...

Anyway, as you can tell by the incoherent babbling entry, I am exhausted. Going to veg out with Sunday night tv.
Amber

“Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.”

2008-05-23T15:36:00.002-04:00

Anyone who has ever been to York Beach in Maine will instantly recognize the contraption to the right. It is the famous taffy machine. The taffy shop at the center of the beach town has huge windows allowing the passerbyers to watch as taffy is stretched, literally, from one end of the store to the other. It is really cool.

In my idle time, I have been planning our vacation. We are going to New Hampshire and Maine for the week of August 18th. We'll be staying in Dover--our old stomping grounds and Matty's home town. But, we'll be making mini-day trips all over. We're going to Canobie Lake Park, York Beach, Water Country, and Portsmouth. All of this, of course, with a three year old and a then 4 1/2 month old. Should be interesting! However, Matty and I haven't been on an honest to goodness, stay at a hotel-not-a -relative's-house, vacation since our honeymoon. We are both excited. Zoey is saving all of her "tips" (our version of an allowance) for her souveniors.

I'll be excited to see my New England friends. I hope that I get a chance to get together with Mary, Paula, and Sherry--my teaching buddies from NH. I look back at those days and really love these three women; they were all mentors in different ways. Mary groomed me from day one to be a department chair. She also taught me how to be have a tough exterior. Paula reminded me to love the kids. Sherry reminded me early and often NOT to have kids until I was good and ready because they change everything (boy was she right!). They all taught me how to be a teacher, in one way or another. More importantly, I think they taught me how to be me. All of them were very accepting of me when I was 22 years old, eager, overachiever, etc.

Tonight we are going to the Southgate Plaza carnival. If you hadn't noticed, I have an obsession with free things to do. I like to be out and about, but don't really want to spend a bunch of money when we may have to leave due to a melting down baby or a toddler who peed her pants. So, I search for free (or cheap) stuff to do. I also think it is a great lesson to teach Zoey. She knows about festivals and conventions, yard sales and demonstrations. (Though we had to leave the cooking demonstration because she wanted to tell everyone how to do it! Future teacher? Actress? Definitely my child)

Anyway, the sun is shining, the children are napping. I am going to find some iced tea and tonic water (don't ask--I am obsessed with this. It's actually really good!) and a book. More later.
Amber

"Boredom: the desire for desires."

2008-05-18T11:36:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I'll quote from Anna Kareninna (sp) without actually finishing it. That is me today: bored. We are going to a birthday party at 4:00, but that is still hours away. Nothing much to do. Zoey is content to hang out, Ollie to sleep, but I am yuck! It is raining outside, which contributes to my mood. I like rain--oddly though, I don't like being stuck at home in the rain. I'd rather go for a drive.

Enough complaining though. Instead, that just reminded me of something else. Yesterday Zoey was talking about flying. I asked her what she'd do if she could fly. She said, "I'd go to Tim Horton's and buy myself a coffee." This kid cracks me up. She LOVES coffee, as do I. Every morning I let her have the last sip of my coffee. She loves it. Anyway, I've told her that when she turns 13, she and I will go out for coffee. A rite of passage of sorts.

Matty is having a blast in New Hampshire, and I am so glad for him. He really needed a break. He called last night from Fenway Park. The Red Sox had rained out on Friday night, so he was able to get scalped tix for the make up game. I could hear the crowd cheering, and I could feel Matty's smile. He is hanging out with his friend Bram; they have been friends for a really long time. I envy him that. I didn't keep in contact with people from high school and only very few from college. I'm just bad at it. Once I leave a place, I generally leave the people too. I wonder what makes me that way? The good news is that my New Hampshire people and I have remained in contact. Former students--Sarah, Maria, Lynn, etc. and friends--Mary, Paula, Sherry, etc. It is nice. We are going to be in New Hampshire the third week of August, so I hope to see lots of the people from my past.

Anyway, this entry isn't really exciting, but it is basically the same as my day. A little blah, but not bad :)
Amber

ps--I have to write about my idea for a writer's notebook next time. And, I have the huge confession to my book club friends: I can't get in to The Eyre Affair at all! I tried. Lot's of times. We are still going to meet, but I'm going to listen. (HA!) Why can't I ever suspend my disbelief? Don't forget--it is next Thursday. Even if you didn't read, like me, come anyway.

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. "

2008-05-16T22:38:00.005-04:00

My sister sent this to me today--they are all pictures of my mom. I picked the quote because I think it directly applies to her--and now, to me. With six kids, I know she frequently went without so that we could have more. For most of my childhood my family would definitely have been considered wealthy, but when I was pretty young--maybe ten, I know that my mom sacrificed something for me that has turned out to have a lasting effect. Back then, we didn't have a lot of money, and I know she had to budget things much like I do now.

My dad was out of town, and we were going to go to Burger King for dinner. We stopped at a Hallmark to pick up a card. While we were at the Hallmark I found the most amazing item I'd ever seen in my life: a diary, with a little key. I remember begging for it, almost panicked that I might not get to own it. I had never kept a diary (yet) but I knew it was something I had to do. My mom didn't make a big deal about it, but she bought it. Then, we went home and she made us dinner. It may not sound like the hugest sacrifice, but I know what it feels like to want a night off from cooking, someone else to clean up, etc. She gave up her freedom for that night so that I could have a diary. I still have it. And, consequently, about twenty others. That was the first of my writing life. The bookshelf Matty gave me for mother's day holds that diary.

Now, I know what it is like to give up time, energy, personal preference (I don't really want to watch the same video again!), for others. My mom regularly put us first. She and I are really different people--I tend to be a lot more like my dad--but I can see how much she gave all of us. It takes distance and time and experience to really understand the impact something can have. I doubt I would have been scarred for life if I didn't get that diary twenty five years ago, but I'm really glad that my mom gave up her freedom for that night so that I could find mine in writing. The funny thing is that she probably wouldn't even remember this story because it was the kind of the thing she did all the time.

I've never thanked her, but if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, she should be flattered. I don't think twice about giving up something I want for Zoey or Ollie. That is my mother's legacy.

Amber

"Hey! What a wonderful kind of day. Hey!"

2008-05-15T13:52:00.002-04:00

We had an amazing time at Arthur. It really couldn't have been more flawless. I love this shadowy photo of Zoey and me. I think I am most impressed about how long my hair is! I've been thinking of getting it cut, but I may be inspired now to keep it through the summer. The map in the background is the curtain to the show. Our seats were AMAZINGLY close--3rd row in the "pit." Ollie was asleep the entire time-start to finish. Zoey came out of the theater wanting to know when we could build a stage and put on a play. She proclaimed that she wanted to be in "shows" when she grows up. Last week she wanted to be a firefighter.
I love this picture of Matty and Ollie. He was bundled up in the sling the whole night. Everyone tells us how much Ollie and Matty look alike, and I think this picture shows that. It was really cool to do our first big Chandler outing.

". . . it's love that gives you the strength. It's being nice to people and having a lot of fun and laughing."

2008-05-14T14:08:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am quoting Drew Barrymore. This picture is from Mother's Day before we went to church. I wasn't about to wake Ollie, but Zoey is always ready for the camera, just like me. It is not that I think I look amazing in every picture, as I clearly don't--it's that I love to be able to time travel back to moments like this.

Right now, my whole family is sleeping in preparation for the big night out. We are going to see Arthur. It is a live production at Artpark. Considering Matty was up until midnight working on deadline and his college class final, I even got him to take a nap for once. This way, hopefully, everyone will be up for the big event. It's actually funny. I love live events so much that I am excited. It's not Barenaked Ladies, or 311, or Tori Amos, but it is amazing in a different way. Vicariously, I suppose. Zoey gets so excited. She has been talking about this all week. I foster this passion and excitement very carefully. The ability to get excited about your life is what separates the happy people from the bored people.

My dad was the one who really taught me that lesson, by example. He always made things in to an adventure. It didn't really have to be a big deal--it could be a long walk, flying a kite, playing videogames, etc. It was always "the greatest nature walk of all time" or "seeing if we can beat the world record for the highest flying kite" or "the ultimate championship of Frogger." So, I pass this on to Zoey. Of course, it is easy to exploit this type of adventure seeking. My college boyfriend, Tim, convinced me to go on many crazy roadtrips by calling it an "adventure" or pointing out how we had to take advantage of our youth. Matty, also able to spot my weakness/strength a mile away, has explained that I don't actually need much "convincing" at all, just the appropriate co-conspirator.

Thus, when we have to do something we don't like or want to do, we always call on the fact that "We are Chandlers." When we make something small, like Arthur, in to the grand adventure of a lifetime, "We are Chandlers." I like this about us. Zoey has already developed this. When I was pregnant (and miserable) I frequently needed to get out of the house and do something, but I A) didn't have much to do B) didn't have money to do it with and C) wasn't in condition to do much of anything. Zoey and I developed the Target adventure. For $7.00 we got hot dogs, drinks, and each of us bouhgt something from the dollar aisle. We'd look around for an hour or so--contented for a little while to be on our Target adventure.

Zoey just padded down the stairs, Ollie is stirring. Time for our "amazing" dinner of dino nuggets, french fries, and mac and cheese for Zoey's grand adventure to see Arthur. I'm pretty psyched :)
Amber

"Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon"

2008-05-12T14:02:00.002-04:00

So, I didn't have much money this morning, but I needed gas. I put in $5.00 worth and the LOW FUEL light didn't even go off. Thus, the quote of the day. I remember in college that gas was $1.00 per gallon--it took $13.00 to fill the old Cavelier Rally Sport. I told my students that once and they didn't believe me.

I had an amazing mother's day, but I will save that for another post after I get the pictures uploaded. All I'll say is this: the day started with bacon and ended with a movie ALL BY MYSELF! I highly reccommend "Getting Over Sarah Marshall," but considering that I haven't been to the movies in ages, I may reccommend anything. Seriously, it has some very funny lines. I'm sure I'll eventually quote from it.

For today, I am going to post something really random. I found a "flash fiction" story that I wrote back in February. I entered it in a Buffalo News contest (I didn't win), but no one has really read it. Enjoy. So, here it is:

Two Twenties, a Ten, and a Bag of Doritos

The Walgreen’s on the corner of Abbott and Ridge was silent except for the occasional cough and of course the annoying comment Anna had just heard from the girl in front of her. The silence made it seem even more surreal—the beginning of a bad joke, “It was Tuesday, after midnight, and an Indian guy, a young couple, and a big fat pregnant lady were waiting to get their prescriptions filled. . . ”

Anna’s husband was in the car with their daughter who was asleep in her car seat, contented to drift off to Dora the Explorer singing “We’ve Got the Beat.” He was irritated that three hours in a waiting room in excruciating pain yielded a diagnosis of constipation, with directions to “get this filled tonight and stay near a toilet.” Tom didn’t want to go in to the pharmacy in his Santa pajama bottoms. Anna wore a huge sweatshirt and stretch pants, not really flattering on anyone. For a woman in her third trimester who had already gained what amounted to a healthy 3-year-old—well, Anna thought, maybe I do look like a “big fat pregnant lady.”

The whole snippet was actually, “Can you believe it? There’s a big fat pregnant lady behind us!” She’d only heard this comment because the pharmacy was so quiet, and the girl was a good foot shorter than the Oafy guy she was with. They too were in pajamas. He had on flannel pants with cows on them. Her bottoms were fuzzy, a pattern Anna recognized as last year’s Old Navy. When Anna had moved to Buffalo from Philadelphia, she had admired Western New York’s unwritten rule that if one must travel out after 9 o’clock on a weeknight, then pajamas were socially acceptable.

The pharmacist was attempting to explain something to the Indian man. Finally, he smiled and walked away, though empty handed. Anna wondered if he was secretly a sociopath. This is what Anna did. She made up stories. This silence was grating and Muzak, even the acoustic version of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror,” would have cured the pharmacy of the awkward social silence which made everyone seem like a voyeur or an exhibitionist. When you weren’t talking, you were listening. When you were talking, everyone else was listening.

“Next,” the pharmacist said, too loudly for the three people who were standing there. There was an annoying ringing sound. “Register’s out of tape. Just a second,” she said, rolling her eyes. “What a night.”

The couple stepped forward, careful avoiding Anna’s gaze. Anna, tired and irritated, was staring. The girl grabbed his hand. Finally, after huffing and sighing, the pharmacist looked up. The Oaf said, “We need a ‘Morning-After-Pill.’”

The pharmacist walked away without a word. The girl looked up at the Oaf and said, “It’s totally worth it, ya know?” He nodded.

“$44.17,” the pharmacist said. He took out two twenties and a ten. Anna, now downright rude, was watching with open interest. After four years of trying to get pregnant with Marissa, this was like a car wreck you couldn’t turn away from.

“You want to get some Doritos or something?” the Oaf asked as they walked away. He handed her the bag and pocketed the change.

Now that Anna was at the counter, she could see the dark circles under the pharmacist’s eyes and the dullness of her hair. “Long night, this one. Ya want my job sweetie?”

“Nope. Just this,” Anna said rubbing her belly gratefully, passing the woman her prescription.

"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone"

2008-05-08T14:54:00.002-04:00

This picture is from Zoey's birthday party, and I took it because it cracked me up. There was chaos everywhere, but here is Ollie ("parked" with all the other baby carriers) just chillin' out and taking a rest. I chose today's quote because of how quiet my house has been for the last three hours.

I haven't mentioned it here, but Ollie HATES mornings. He is an amazingly good baby, but between nine and eleven, he is really fussy. So much so, that Zoey and I worked out a plan of hugging each other when we couldn't stand it! Anyway, I'm not complaining because he is the best baby I've ever heard of--sleeping, etc. However, after the rocky morning, he is a saint all day. He's sleeping, Zoey is at Chris', and Matty is at college. My main goal in life today was to complete the laundry (Note to future working mom self: staying home is NOT all it is cracked up to be. Remember that there is nothing very fulfilling about laundry, dishes, etc. Try to downplay the cuddle times on the couch with both kids, the eight books I have read, the time to write a ton here!) and I'm on the last load. So, here I am, in silence. Enjoying every minute.

I'm going to go soon and search for vacation info. Matty and I just decided to go to Maine/NH for a much needed family vacation in August. We have not gone on a real vacation (not involving visiting someone) since our honeymoon. I am excited to plan our trip!

More later. I'd rather write during the chaos than sacrifice the blessed silence right now!
Amber

“It's good to be just plain happy. . . "

2008-05-06T17:41:00.003-04:00

Just a plain happy day. I said, "My kids" today for the first time. Here they are, enough to just be happy about. Funny how easy it is to forget the just plain happy things.

Amber

"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain"

2008-05-05T19:50:00.002-04:00

Louisa May Alcott's quote could equally apply to me or Zoey. She loves to read, and if I influence her in no other way, I think that this is most important. She wants to know what signs say, what I am reading, etc. I love that she wants to tell stories as well. Anyway, this was Zoey on Saturday with Clifford at the Lakeshore Library.

A very big event in Zoey's life is coming up this week. She will be starting storytime. I think my first memory is of storytime. My mom took us to the library every week and let us check out ten books each. (An indication of how big reading was for us) Storytime was held in this recessed little area at the side of the library. There were carpeted big steps that we'd sit and stand on. First, we'd sing. I remember particularly singing "I'm a Little Teapot" and doing the motions because some of the kids (not me, I was too orderly, like Zoey) would throw themselves off the steps when we'd sing "I'll pour out." Their wildness frightened me, much like Johnny fears Hester's wild family in A Prayer for Own Meany. I LOVED listening to the librarian read. I remember being in awe of her ability to read and turn the pages so well. I am excited to live vicariously through Zoey as she starts storytime. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts.

I'm supposed to be reading Thursday Next for bookclub, but I have it on order at the library. Instead, I'm re-reading This Much I Know is True by Wally Lamb. Phenomenal, even a second time. Breastfeeding is easier with a book.

Well, I'll write more later. I'm going to read :)
Amber

"Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy"

2008-05-04T16:49:00.002-04:00

My sweet little sleeper. Ollie basically lives by this quote right now. If he is not eating, he is sleeping. I've been warned that this won't last, and I actually look forward to getting to know him a little better. Of course, those of you reading this who have had a baby who won't sleep may send me hate mail. HOWEVER, before you do, realize that the doctor said he slept like this because he was eating so much (nursing!) that he was passing out in order to digest it. So, I am a little tired myself.

Today was the "Taste of Evangel" at church. I'd really like to organize something like this for one of the last days of school. Essentially, everyone makes their specialty. You purchase tickets and buy a little of what you'd like. (I include this description because I'd never heard of something like this until Taste of Buffalo). Anyway, it would be really cool to do for a final dress down day. I'm going to see if we can do something like this--maybe the money raised could go to a soup kitchen. Hmmm... anyway, it was fun. Matty made his "New England Corn Chowda"--those of you who have been to the annual Chandler Soup Party would recognize it. It was really fun, and yummy, to taste all the different dishes.

I still have a month left until I return to work. I'm going to enjoy the time, as I know that I will NEVER be on maternity leave again :) Two is plenty! I watch some of the super frazzled parents at church who have four or five kids. Maybe they know something I don't, but I can't see how you have enough energy to go around.

Anyway, nothing too exciting to report here. It is a lazy Sunday. I can brag that I am 100% current on my scrapbooking thanks to marathon naps yesterday. Matty and I got so much done while the kiddos were sleeping. I'm going to send out some pictures tomorrow, but I thought I'd post this one of Ollie. He is such a blessing. In fact, that is really what I am feeling today. Blessed. A good job, a great family, a wonderful home, supportive and interesting friends, and sunshine. What more could I want?!
Amber

"Tienes Amigos! I've got friends" --Dora

2008-04-30T19:26:00.003-04:00

These are the first of Zoey's friends. From left to right--Amber (or Brenna--one of the twins), Asher, Zoey, Wisdom, and Gracie. They have all been in nursery together at church their whole little lives. It is interesting, I was just thinking about this at church on Sunday. The awesome power of "extended family" that happens in a good church. There is a really wild character in our church, Ken, who is very sick. During an altar call on Sunday, there were five or six people "laying hands" on him--praying for him while they hugged him or had their hands on him. From the outside, maybe some would see this as some sort of crazy religious thing. From my seat, it was an extended family affectionately coming together to support one of its members. It was really touching to see.

Matty and I were talking about this picture, imagining what could come. It is possible that one of the girls (at least) will go out on a date with Asher. How weird is that? I don't know people from when I was little, but churches tend to stay the same. Pretty odd. Then, Matty had a heart attack thinking of Zoey dating.

Anyway, things are going well. The party was a huge success (whatever that would be for a three year old!). I asked Zoey her favorite part and she liked the "candy falling on our head" from the pinata. She also really liked the party favors--sand buckets with sunglasses and candy necklaces and bubbles in them. They really were a hit. As we prepared, it was like the president was coming. Every detail had to be just right. I was so excited to make it perfect for her, and I am happy that it was. She walked up to Matty during the party and told him it was the best birthday party ever. That's all it takes to make it all worth it.

Enough for now. Ollie has got to eat, Zoey wants to play Candyland, and I will not miss Criminal Minds tonight! By the way, I am the biggest dork. I think Reed is hot.

Amber

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else"

2008-04-28T14:36:00.004-04:00

This Emily Dickenson quote caught my attention today. I have pictures to upload, scrapbooks to work on, etc. However, it is hard to document everything in the midst of everything. I'm not even sure how I feel about the documentation of everything via this blog, scrapbooks, etc. EXCEPT--I know that I love to do it for myself and for Zoey. (Matty too, in a way--and Ollie later, I am sure) I have looked at my scrapbooks with Zoey over and over again, until she knows the stories that are her life. I know there's some sort of research that says memory doesn't kick in until after three, at least, but by my constant documentation, perhaps I can play God for a bit and fill in the gaps.

I probably want this so much because I feel my own childhood to be so bare. I don't remember enough, and there aren't sufficient pictures and stories for me to get a feel of me or my parents when I was little. I see things in Zoey that my mom now says are just like I was and I am shocked. Not that we are the same, but that no one ever passed on these things. In my family there is a lack of history somehow. Maybe there were just too many kids. I can't tell you the number of times that I have heard, "When you were little, well, no, maybe that was Mark. . . or no, I think it was you..." It is weird, but I guess not uncommon with six kids.

So, I am going to go and work on my scrapbook. I'm finishing Ollie's first days pages and then I'll move on to Zoey's 3rd birthday party. I'll save all the stories from her party for another day when I have the pictures to upload. I'm curious what other people think about these thoughts--so if you are reading this, feel free to chime in:
Why is scrapbooking, blogging, etc so popular right now?
Do we miss something by constantly documenting everything?
Who are we doing this for?
Is there any danger in the continual scripting of the past?

Hmm... I'll see if anyone comments, as I am going to think about this. For example, I took photos of Zoey's party, but we didn't videotape at all, as we were both actually enjoying Zoey and the party. I felt quilty and sad that we won't have any moments of that day caught on the video. Weird. I'll remember the day, we'll have photos, why want more? Back in the fall, there was a MY TURN in Newsweek about a woman fed up with trying to watch everything through a lens. Hmm...

Amber

"If the shelves are dusty and the pots don't shine, it is because I have better things to do with my time"

2008-04-24T16:34:00.002-04:00

I HATE housework. I like my life to be a little disheveled. Evidence of more important things to do. However, someone has to spring clean when eleven 3 year olds and their parents will descend upon our house in less than 48 hours. I included this picture of Zoey from the hospital because she LOVES to clean. She loves to dust and scrub--probably because she doesn't have to. She sings a the "tidy up" song while she organizes things.

I know myself better than to think that my whole house will be spring cleaned in a day or two. No, I have been going from room to room--one a day--for the last week. The problem is that Ollie has a Chandler appetite and needs to eat every second or third hour, Zoey wants to play, it's nice outside, Matty and I are two ships passing in the night (so when he is around I drop everything), there's just too much other stuff to do.

I am procrastinating now. I have to clean the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom today. Yuck. However, these are crucial rooms in our birthday party backup plan. Right now we are planning for an outside thing, but the forecast says rain. It will be sad if it rains, but we'll make the most of it. I am praying for a reprieve on the rain until later.

Ollie and Zoey are wonderful distractions from the business of cleaning, but they are both asleep right now so I should go and face the facts: housework is probably why I needed a career. If someone else would clean my house, I could probably entertain myself. However, not being rich, if I ever stayed home it would include full duty of the worst kind: cleaning.

When I was in graduate school I had a list on my fridge: Do laundry. Get groceries. Write paper. I never took it down for two years. Right now my list reads:
Clean house. Feed baby. Play with Zoey. Read.

I kind of like my list.
Amber

"You can kid the world. But not your sister."

2008-04-18T13:04:00.004-04:00

My sister, Sissy (the one in Seattle), sent this to me. She is an amazing scrapbooker. In fact, last time I was there, it took DAYS to look through all of her albums. Like me, she has been scrapbooking before there were actually stores for the task. We've been cutting things out of magazines, etc. forever. I love this page that she created. I haven't even printed out the pictures yet, but I am anxious to scrapbook Ollie's life joining ours.

Last night was bookclub, and I had a great time. There were only four of us, but I was thrilled for the company. And, of course, Matty's dessert. We had hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries, pound cake with ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. YUM! I am so glad that I decided to go ahead with the bookclub when I thought about it at New Year's. I've always wanted one, and I am glad that people are interested. Plus, it is cool to see who will show up each month. Last night our conversation was pretty off topic, but with Pillars of the Earth, almost anything is actually vaguely related.

Heather's going to email me the new book choice. She told us about it last night and it sounds interesting and LIGHTER. I'm proud of our eclectic choices so far! Anyway, I'm going to feed Ollie. We walked Zoey over to Nana's house (about 5 blocks) and it was beautiful. I think I'm taking his "lunch" to the back porch!

More later. The weekend looks like it will be beautiful as well. Pray for nice weather for Zoey's fiesta birthday party (April 26th). She has gotten lots of responses to her invitations, so I am glad that she will have the big party that she wanted. I can't believe that she will be three. I also can't believe that she is ONLY three.

Amber

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

2008-04-17T14:20:00.004-04:00

Still my little sweet baby girl. This is Zoey--stealing the boppy and Ollie's blanket. Do you think she knows how to make a statement or what? Actually, she is doing VERY well considering the invasion of our house. She calls Ollie her baby, helps change him, etc. but I thought that this picture was very appropriate in the evolution of our household.

I picked the Twain quote because Zoey and I are able to make each other laugh until we are both ready to pee our pants, but also able to jump on the other's last nerve. Even then, I enjoy her so much. Last night she had me so irritated about something (she probably wouldn't sit still for two seconds!) until she looked over at me and asked, very sweetly and clearly to change the subject, "So, mama, how is that apple? It looks delicious. Can we share? Please...." How can you stay irritable with a doll like that? She learned the cute and distracting from her dad.

We are all excited to go to the playground around the corner after nap time. The swings are out! The truest tangible sign of spring is getting to go on the swings. I'm sure that today's little adventure will be repeated every day this summer, but I am excited to take my kids (ahh!) to the park on a beautiful day.

I'm going to run and enjoy the sun :)
Amber

"If you never have, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.

2008-04-15T16:45:00.004-04:00

This is a great moment that Matty captured at a recent spring lacrosse game. The Dr. Seuss quote seemed to fit. I remember last spring when there were huge mud puddles everywhere. I encouraged Zoey to stomp in them. When it rains, Matty told her to stick her tongue out and catch the rain. Neither of these recommendations come from us because we are just zany parents. In fact, it is really to the contrary. I grew up in a way that makes splashing in mud puddles brand new to me--last spring was really the first time I ever remember doing it. In my family, especially if you are female, I was all but taught that you'd melt if the rain wrecked your hair. I'm not so much rejecting my upbringing by changing things with Zoey (and now Ollie) than I am trying out a different perspective. So, I love this picture. It reminds me of the way things should be. I hope Zoey and Ollie would both see that "these things are fun and fun is good."

I have to credit Matty completely with my desire to have fun. When we first met, I was VERY serious--an intellectual hippy of sorts--who took herself VERY seriously. I could never laugh at my self or much else. Unless, of course it was deeply ironic :) However, Matty has a great sense of humor (though he warned me on our first date, quite acurrately, that he often has inappropriate humore) and quickly brought out the lighter side of me. Zoey has his sense of humor, and I hope Ollie does too. He has offered her a goofiness that I just don't have naturally in me, and I am thankful that he is this way.

Anyway, Zoey and Ollie are resting up for Toddler Time. I'm taking Zoey tonight because Matty has to work. I can't believe that Ollie is only 8 days old, and I am up and out. But, we took Zoey to see Crash and out to the Olive Garden by her two weeks. Zoey loves Toddler Time and is dying for me to do the March of the Dinosaur with her. She is a dork like me--she loves classes. Soon she will start her tap/ballet for beginners class. Don't worry, I'm not really going to let her do ballet. ("Suck it in!") But, this will let me see if she likes dance classes.

I'm going to run for now. Things are more and more "normal" having two children. Weird!
Amber

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on"

2008-04-13T10:10:00.005-04:00

This is Ollie, up close. The quote for today is from Carl Sandburg and an interesting one, I think. I like it because it makes me think of the future of my family. Who will Zoey and Ollie become? Zoey, as most people know, already has a unique and quirky little personality. But, what and who will she become? Trivial things like--will she play soccer (currently she thinks so, but because of Dora) or be the softball player Matty and I would both love, will she be the actress she seems destined to be, will she be like us and fall in love to hard and too quickly, will she love school as much as it seems? It is hard to tell. But, with Ollie, it is even more ambiguous. The only clue to what he is like right now is that he is very mellow so far (only crying when I change his diaper) and really likes to eat! Who is "in there" waiting to emerge?

Zoey and Matty are at church, Ollie is chilling out, and I am going to go rest for a bit. My stomach and back muscles are really sore; I did not anticipate the aches and pains. I'm going to rest while I can! More later.

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children"

2008-04-10T16:02:00.004-04:00

Both children (how weird is it to write that!) are napping, and I will be in about 5 minutes, but I wanted to include a quick update. We are working the bumps out of a WHOLE NEW HUMAN in our lives, and loving every minute of it. I picked the quote today because I am feeling so darn young--how can I have 2 children? Where are all the grown ups? I look at this picture of me and Ollie (by the way--isn't Matty a phenomenoal photographer as well!? ) and realize that we are the grown ups and I am pretty excited to get to hang out as Mommy, Daddy, Zoey , and Ollie. We have so much to be thankful for! Happy, healthy, still in pajamas (I declared it a "pajama party" day to Zoey and she was psyched), needing a shower, a nap, and my feet to return to "normal." (As it turns out, the swelling has actually gotten WORSE). However, I am blissful and clearly so blessed. Good night--or nap--
Amber

"A brother is a friend given by nature"

2008-04-09T15:57:00.002-04:00

We are home, relaxing, and getting to know each other :) More later... like in three years or so when I have time to write again ! Aren't they amazing?
Amber

"I'm kind of a big deal"

2008-04-06T15:25:00.005-04:00

Congratulations to Matty, who is "kind of a big deal" himself (I'm probably butchering this line from Anchorman, but that's ok) having just won the 2007 NEW YORK PRESS ASSOCIATION 3RD PLACE FOR BEST COLUMN! This is an amazing accomplishment, and I am so proud of him. This is EXACTLY what I was talking about in my blog before--when he wants something, he goes for it. So, before Ollie arrives and steals the show, I wanted to say WOW!

Thursday's SUN will have the official announcement on the front page. You can also go to thesunnews.net to check out some of his "award winning" columns :)

Yeah Matty!

"The brain 'wants' to see outcomes as connected to preceding events. . ."

2008-04-05T10:49:00.003-04:00

This quote from George Will (completely unrelated to having a child) made me think of this picture. This picture of Zoey zonked out is how I imagine Ollie will be. A little meatball :) Well, this is the last blog until he his born, so I'll leave it at that. Nervous...and excited.
Amber

". . . Who, setting his hand to knock At a door so strange as this one, Might not draw back?"

2008-04-04T19:00:00.003-04:00

Zoey is so excited for spring, and I know she'll love to ride her bike from Uncle Bob (hidden in the basement until we can get her a helmet and it is warm out). My title today is from Hotel New Hampshire, but in the novel it says it is a Donald Justice poem. I can't decide if I've actually heard of Donald Justice, or if I am making the name up--combining some famous people. Needless to say, it is an ode to my predicament. Ollie is late--due April 2nd. I went to the doctor today and was told that "no progress" was being made. I'm going to be induced Monday, April 7th. I don't mind that much, really, but there is something not quite the same as the surprise. Or, maybe I will be surprised before Monday!

Anyway, the end is near, and we are really excited. No matter what, it isn't really "real" for me unitl I see the baby. My sister talked about this whole relationship with her boys in utero, but as for me, the in utero bit is kind of like there is an alien in there. An alien, who this time around, likes to put his foot in my ribs. Dr. Bruno assured me today that I was having a "good size" baby--8 ish pounds or so. Matty and I keep calling him meatball because we imagine he's going to pop out as a chunky little guy, as opposed to Zoey who had elephant knees and was a peanut.

Well, Matty's games of Candyland and doing a puzzle are nearly over, which puts me on bedtime duty soon. I'm fairly obsessed with Amnesia--the tv show that asks people to remember the minutae of their lives. I always think I'd be great at the game. I tend to dwell in the minutae.

More soon. Pictures of Ollie to follow!
Amber

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, in a place called New York. . ."

2008-04-01T10:30:00.004-04:00

The above quote was overheard a few minutes ago, as I was checking my email and Zoey was telling Puppy a story. Can you tell her parents are a teacher and a writer? I was so pleased with her storytelling. The story she continued to tell was about Ollie, who would come out one day and not have any teeth. I can't get enough of this kid!

Well, today is the ONLY day that Matty and I didn't want to have Ollie--who would want an April Fool's birthday? Of course this probably ensures that I will have him at some point today! I'll deal--I'll plan practical jokes for every party. Just get this kid out of here! Actually, things are ok, other than feeling so huge and uncomfortable.

Anyway, that's all for now. I found my East of Eden book and would like to finish it before Ollie arrives. I like to start new books with new occasions of my life. My pre-maternity leave started with Pillars, next went to Hotel New Hampshire, and will now be completed with East of Eden. What an eclectic mix of books?! For the 3 am breastfeedings, I'd like to find a HUGE book to get me through.

Going to put clothes away and then read for awhile. The snow is almost gone, the heat is turned off for the day, and Zoey and I went out without coats this morning :) I'm ready for the next thing.

anxiously awaiting Ollie,
Amber

"Coach Bob knew it all along: you've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed. You have to keep passing the open windows."

2008-03-31T14:07:00.004-04:00

Having just finished Hotel New Hampshire (for at least the 5th or 6th time), I couldn't resist the last few lines of the novel as my blog title of the day. In a more articulate way than I could express, Irving has captured a bit of my mantra--all words swiped from lyrics--"just keep on keepin' on" and "days, up and down they come, like rain on a conga drum" and, Matty's statement of truth: "It's all cyclical. Some times are good. Some times are bad. But nothing stays the same." Days are still dragging on, but I am enjoying reading, hanging out with Zoey (who is having a tea party with Dora and Grape Ape in the picture), and resting. In fact, this is really all there is to today's post. I'm going to take a nap. I know that soon I will need it. Zoey is curled up asleep on the big couch, but I'll even take the love seat and put my feet up. Any day now...
Amber

"Life can be seen to suffer from a dramatic lack of editing."

2008-03-29T17:17:00.005-04:00

Not much to report, thus the Larry Mcmutry quote (author of Brokeback Mountain, which I have to confess I have not read or watched). If my Punch and Pie life were the great American novel, this would clearly be time for SOMETHING TO HAPPEN! (My all capital letters is my tribute to John Irving--I'm re-reading Hotel New Hampshire right now, and though only Owen Meany used the ALL CAPS, there is a dressmaker's dummy in both novels, which I had never noticed before.)

Which, incidentally, is the exact opposite of what my doctor is saying. Nothing has happened. I haven't dropped, as I thought (he called the pressure "gravity"). I am not dilated. I am, however, very tired of being pregnant. So is everyone in my house. Zoey wants to know when I'll "get a funny feeling in my belly," which is what I told her about having her. Matty knows better than to even glance at me funny, as I am at the point of bursting in to tears or biting his head off. I feel sorry for the both of them, as neither could ever understand the sheer freakishness of being pregnant. People never really talk about it because becoming pregnant is such a blessing, having a baby an epiphany, etc., etc. However, not being able to sit up from my bed--having to roll out, having no ankles, bleeding gums, roller coaster emotions, etc is no walk in the park.

Luckily, I am looking forward to the moments AFTER Ollie's birth. The single most amazing moment of my entire life was the second Zoey emerged FROM ME to be given TO ME. It was profound and lifechanging. Even though I was still fat, would feed her every two hours around the clock for months on end, and would now be "tied down" with a child, nothing else mattered. I am sure I will feel the same way with Ollie. I did not get baby blues, I got baby bliss. I look at pictures of me--still chubby, a slight mess--but so incredibley happy that entire summer. And that was the summer that Matty lost his job, we rearranged our life, etc. Ollie's entrance in to the world will at least be less complicated in that way. So, as I wish away the days, I do know that I have the bliss that will follow.

If I have not delivered by April 7th, I am going to be induced. That is only 8 more days of being pregnant. My doctor also pointed out that as soon as we set up the induction, I'll surely go in to labor. I can only hope!
Well, enough complaining. I'm hanging in there. I'm just tired of being a burden, unable to do anything for myself, and in constant anticipation of "what it will be like." As always, I don't know what it will be like, and that is the real rub of the situation. Soon...

Amber

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place"

2008-03-27T18:36:00.006-04:00

Finally, a moment to finish this trilogy blog. The quote's title is from Zora Neale Hurston, still one of my favorite writers--not so much for what she wrote (which is good) but for how she lived. Anyway.

Now on to the post-Zoey era. Seeing Matty become a daddy was the moment that a new channel of love for him opened up, never to be closed. At the hospital, he just sort of took over things. I never expected that my quiet and shy Matty (that many of you can't fathom), would suddenly dance down the hallways singing "Lola" to our little Zoey, pass out birthday cake to strangers (I turned 31 in the hospital), and suddenly--from deep within Matty crawled this amazingly confident and capable parent. It was a transformation that has informed the rest of his life and mine. I had always loved Matty for his many wonderful qualities, but over the course of those three days I came to admire him as well.

When Zoey was only a few months old, Matty lost his job--essentially downsized. We decided that he would stay home with her for awhile--we didn't know how long. It was the best serendipitious disaster (it seemed) that could have happened. Since then, Zoey and Matty have an undeniable bond ("Maybe my daddy would understand me"), Matty is in school to be a teacher, and he has become a professional reporter/freelancer. He was never happy as a manager, and though writing is stressful, he is definitely happy. I love his writing--he has an awesome turn of phrase and great wit. His humor is always interesting. (Just ask the "Arm the Bears" letter writing campaign) I wish he could actually hear all the compliments people pass on to me.

In many ways, he inspires me to push myself because he is always pushing himself. This past year he encouraged me to publish more. An article I wrote, "Act Your Age," appeared in In Transitions magazine. I know I wouldn't have written it without his encouragement--the nudge. He is always striving (back to that first picture), and it is a great feeling to jump in to his plans with him.

Zoey, of course, changed everything. I'm sure a child always does, but Zoey came to us after thinking that we couldn't have kids. We were also unprepared for the impact she would have on our lives. There is nothing more amazing that a baby, except maybe a toddler! We can't get over her. Sometimes it is like we have a little old lady living with us--she is that profound at times. Other times, as she howls and pretends she is a wolf, it is evident that she inherited Matty's goofy gene. She does seem to be the best of both of us, with a few of our own flaws thrown in for good measure. No doubt she is overly emotional--like us. Stubborn, like us. Loves books and learning, like us. A memory like Matty. Loves stories, like us. She can be "difficult" like me.

The best thing that Zoey brings to us is our sense of doing things right. She unites us in our desire to be good parents, to develop a human being--or, as Matty said a long time ago, "I make my own people!" Yes, we made her, but she is continually making us in to different people as well.

And now, we are on the precipise of something else. I am struggling with the "time in between," as I always do. I am anxious to meet Ollie and see what happens next. You never know. That is mostly what I have learned over the past 11 years hanging out with Matty. You just never know. From Zoey--every day she wakes up and the first thing she asks is "What interesting/fun/cool/thing are we going to do today?" I've learned to make something interesting/fun/cool thing happen. If I keep those two things in mind--"You never know" and the power to make things happen, then I think we'll be ok :)

Matty is still my best friend after all this time. I alluded to the fact that his soul crawled out and became an amazing parent, but mine emerged as well--nothing is the same and Matty has made me who I am now. I happen to like myself, and he deserves much of the credit for coaxing my soul along.

Amber

"I'm ok... when everything is not ok"

2008-03-25T11:44:00.003-04:00

Some may wonder why I'd begin the pre-Zoey blog (to continue with my theme) with a picture of Zoey. And, for that matter, what my quote of the day has to do with a very happy time in my life. First, this picture of Zoey is one of my very favorites from last summer. However, it is very appropriate for the pre-Zoey blog in that there is a certain melancholy of watching the waves. Contentedly, but with a tinge of melancholy. When Zoey and I settled in to the silence of the moment captured here, I asked her what she was thinking about. She said, "Nothing. I'm just watching the waves." It was the most Zen moment I've ever witnessed. Thus, the "melancholy but happy at the same time" picture of Zoey to mark the pre-Zoey years.

The quote is from Tori Amos, probably my most favorite female lyricist/singer. I've fell away from her lately, as I think I might be just a little too ordinary for her extraordinary right now. Maybe I'll come back to her soon. Anyway, the quote reminds me of the pre-Zoey times because despite MANY not-ok things, we were wonderful. Some of the highlights/not-ok moments include: bringing Matty pots full of water to put out the flames shooting from his car--a car he had driven several miles ON FIRE, interning for Portsmouth making NO money, Matty traveling a whole lot, buying dress clothes from salvation army to look the part. However, in the midst of those not-ok moments are some of the best flashes of light in my life: going to York beach and swimming in our clothes, playing Karnov with scavaged change, ordering in from Smiley's (who would actually deliver cigarettes, etc. with our order) and paying in mostly quarters, watching tons of movies, going along with Matty on business trips in the summer because we couldn't bear to be apart--I'd stay in the hotel, then hang out in plazas, window shopping for "when we have a house", sneaking away to fly the shark kite I bought Matty for Valentine's day, more pool at Buster's--still very competitive, planning our wedding (with its own very complicated problems) at Sweetlands corner booth, our fairly insane honeymoon where Matty got foodpoisoning, our random trips to the casino--3 hours away!

Most of those crazy things probably don't sound like the best of times, but they were. Sure, we worried about our future (but probably not as much as we should have!), we finally got a house (though we didn't know when we bought a 4 bedroom house that we wouldn't live in for even two years), Matty and I both started to see our careers take off, and we felt invincible. Move to Buffalo? Sure. Teach middle school and college--with no experience in either? Sure. Through it all, we were always planning for the future--"when we have kids" or "when you are tenured" or some other future point. The future was a bright and shiny object up ahead, glinting in the sun. A miracle or a mirage. The excitement was almost unbearable; Matty and I both always on the brink of melancholy, Sunday blues, and sudden sadness. We distracted ourselves with each other, long talks, movies, and future planning. Somehow our 20's felt like the world was too much. The good and bad were so intense.

As I end this post, I'll suggest this: back then, we thought we had some control over our future, some way of planning, some way of saying "This is what will happen next." In my next entry, I'll certainly explore the real truth of the matter, living with the question "What will happen next?"

Through those pre-Zoey years--which were many--Matty and I stuck together through major changes, setbacks, and amazing successes. I don't remember who said it now, but back in my theology days at Allentown College, I scribbled this quote in my notebook: "Marriage is Love's way of growing in to wholeness."

"Don't Stop Believing"

2008-03-24T12:44:00.005-04:00

If you don't recognize the reference in the title, you should probably stop reading now. (side note: at a party on Saturday night, when the name "Steve Perry" came up, a woman said, "Isn't he an actor or something?" I thought Matty was going to have an aneurysm right there) This post is going to be a completely self-indulgent ode to my husband, as I am tired of talking about babies, the miracle of life, etc. Instead, as I sit around doing nothing, I'm going to wax nostalgic about my Matty.

So, in an effort to put this all down the way I'd like, I'll divide our life together in to segments: dating/pre-Zoey/post-Zoey. This entry, I'll focus on the dating part, though as you'll see, the words "dating" don't really fit.

Dating: When we met, neither of us really had our "act together." I was finishing my Master's Thesis on Lee Smith, having just worked extensively on Zora Neale Hurston. I lived with a few people--neither of whom I ever talk to anymore--and really was fed up with men in general. Graduate school was terribley disappointing in the guy department for me; I had hoped to meet brilliant men, but instead met lazy poetic boys or budding alcoholics. Matty was working odd jobs (I'll leave that to your imagination), as he was recovering from the trainwreck his life had recently become. Our first rendevous was at the Dover Public Library book sale. In my car, when we were sharing what we had purchased, we were a little taken aback by the fact that we both bought a copy of Catcher in the Rye, which we both already owned. We have since found out that Mark Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon, also felt compelled to buy multiple copies of the novel. At the time, I felt some cosmic shift occurred. Thus, by the way, the middle name Holden for Ollie. (AWWWWW... isn't that cute?? I wasn't going to share that tidbit, but I really do like that part of our story)

Due to the "cosmic shift" which occurred, I found myself living with Matty in all of three days. As we like to say, he invited me for dinner and I never left. Which, for the most part, is true. He made a chicken stirfry. I'd like to defend myself a little, but really can't. I will say that it was very convenient to live together immediately, as we never saw each other. He worked two jobs while I went to graduate school and worked at Foster's Daily Democrat. We spent most of our time sitting at the kitchen table, playing scrabble, drinking hot chocolate, talking in to the very early morning. I say "the kitchen table," not "our kitchen table" because Matty lived in a two room, furnished apartment. Everything came with the apartment, including the mugs from which we drank the hot chocolate. I have to admit that when we moved, I took "my" mug with me. I left a comforter on the daybed though. Yep. We slept in a daybed, with a dog. We began the now famous "book" to record our scrabble games in. Fiercely competitive, we used a blank book that Tim's mom (former college boyfriend) had given me for my birthday, to write one single taunting line to the loser of our scrabble games. We frequently integrated the winning word (or made up word) in to the entry. Here are some samples:

12.27.97 "I kicked your ass on the inaugural game." (AC)
12.28.97 "4 Succcessful challenges of your words--college girl!" (MC)

Then, of course, is the 1.5.98 marathon:

1.5.98 "Tie game 213-->213!!!"
1.5.98 "How in God's name do you expect to win when I get 4 Triple word scores???? 33, 33, 36, 27 . . . Boys rule, girls drool" (MC)
1,5,98 "Choke. Who goes to bed the loser--Boo!" (AC)

We have kept up our scrabble tradition ever since. The overall average right now is Matt 35 games, me 25 games, with 2 ties. I can brag that I won the two games we played in 2007. It truly reflects a different life when we used to play three games in a night, now we played two games in a year. In fact, I am going to demand our first game of 2008 tonight--pathetically late in March, but better late than never.

Random facts of those days: one of the first things I was impressed with about Matty is that he knew how to iron his own clothes and cook; this Broadway apartment's shower was IN the kitchen. You stepped out of this weird little closet, right in to the kitchen; Matty actually worked with Ruthie, one of the girls I lived with when I met him; Nate, my old neighbor, whom I secretly loved, was an employee of Matt's when he owned the bagel shop--the coffee Nate left for me was stolen from there; Ike, Matty's dog, ate my brand new Doc Martins and underwear within the first week I lived there; we played pool at Buster's fairly regularly; our front neighbor's name was "Lucky" and we are fairly certain he ran a prostitution ring; Matty met Rick Landon, who offered him his big break at Anderson; I still remember lying in bed, talking about how this new job would change everything (little did we know that it would eventually land us in Buffalo, NY); Matty wanted to be a writer, even then, but never really spoke of it; I began my teaching career at Portsmouth High School after Matty set up an interview for me for my internship; I smoked A LOT back then; we both swore quite a bit; going to the Strand for a movie and Cafe on the Corner for coffee was a regular passtime; we both named Some Kind of Wonderful as our favorite movie.

Matty was really different back then--socially phobic to a degree. However, that worked in my favor because I had never had a guy who wanted to hang out with me so much and so intensely/intently. Those who know him now would never recognize the shy, quiet, guy I was "dating." We did not have an infatuation period--I knew the complications of his life and he knew mine--right from the start, at Hilton Park, sitting in the old green Cav, chainsmoking and spilling our guts. It worked somehow to know that the other person had a trunkload of baggage. We just decided that we'd team up for life to lug all the baggage around, hopefully getting rid of some along the way, knowing we'd probably pick up more. It has worked.

That first date traipsing in the rain from the booksale, on to Bickford's in Portsmouth, then to Hilton park, then to Cafe on the Corner for the very first scrabble game (where Matty impressed me by winning), was November 8th, 1998. Those days were marked by Sweetland Diner, staying up until the wee hours of the morning, late mornings, endless debates, new beginnings. What I liked about Matty, and still do, is represented in the picture at the beginning of this blog entry. I liked that he was always reaching for the top. No matter what he was doing--even if it was selling credit cards--he wanted to be good at it, the best. If it were a silly scrabble game, he wanted to kill me at it. If it were a game of pool, we'd battle game after game. If it were a debate, he had to bury me. It might sound negative to some people, but I love/d the passion he brought to everything. Maybe it was all the wanna-be hippies I had spent the previous 6 years with, but I was ready for someone who believed in something (though most of the time we disagreed back then!). I was ready for someone with drive, determination, and the ability to overcome their past. For me, that was crucial. I had a past of my own that needed overcoming, and with Matty on my team, I knew I could. He didn't indulge my craziness; he showed me that the right reaction to crazy is crazy. Situations are situations. Good and bad are cycles. Going through things together, instead of around them alone would make life meaningful.

Those early days, though we didn't have much of anything, were the basis of everything.

"Thank You For Being A Friend. . ."

2008-03-23T18:25:00.004-04:00

This is Zoey, ready to go to church. We thought that she looked like an old lady, going on a cruise--thus the "Golden Girls" title. We had a great day at the Anderson's and it was really nice not to cook. It is nice to have a family away from family, though I did miss mine this holiday. However, my home is home, and I wouldn't want to be away!

"Here Comes Peter Cottontail"

2008-03-23T09:45:00.003-04:00

Zoey's favorite things are holidays and chocolate, so Easter is the perfect day for her. I'll post the posed and dressed up pictures later, but this is the essence of the day for her. Matty and Zoey had a big Easter Egg Hunt in the back yard, despite the remnants of snow. We are going to the Anderson's for Easter dinner after church. They have been very gracious to us through the years--inviting us for holidays, especially before Matty's mom moved here and we had Zoey. We took Chris to lunch yesterday as opposed to an Easter meal today. I am just too big and tired to really "do" Easter in any way other than to go to someone's house!

Zoey is now dressed and ready for Easter at church. She does look adorable. Getting a new Easter dress is one of the big things that I remember from being little. We really must have went all out--I remember getting hats and gloves, new patent shoes, etc. Of course, in Virginia, it was much warmer. We had to buy Zoey a sweater to go over her little dress.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a nice, calm Easter day--responsibility free, thanks to the Andersons. Amber and Brenna, their twins, make perfect playmates for bossy little Zoey :) They are almost two, so they can play well with her. And they still listen to her!

Next year Ollie will be here--almsot a year old. That is hard to imagine right now, since I just want some room to breathe.

"Here we've gone again. . ."

2008-03-21T08:22:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm just going to keep putting baby stuff on this blog until Ollie arrives. This video is from when Zoey was about 6 or 7 months old. It is at the old apartment, and our life was so different. At this point, Matty was staying home taking care of Zoey exclusively. He hadn't started college, or writing for any of the newspapers. He took great care of her, and I credit him with her current cool personality. Who wouldn't be cool if they listened to the Scorpions all day??!! The title of the blog today comes from the song that is blaring in the background of the video.

Yesterday, I thought, was the big day. Matty had predicted it, and believe it or not, I actually give his predictions credibility. I had contractions on and off all day, but they may have been caused by the stress of the last few days. The day before yesterday, the white car broke down in the CVS parking lot--just short of a parking space, of course. We had to have it towed. I was shocked how little anyone cared that a woman, 9 months pregnant, was standing in a parking lot with a disabled car and no one offered to help. Matty took care of it, but it was still an eye-opener. Then, we realized yesterday that I really can't be home without a car, so Zoey and I had to go with Matty on a bunch of trips to take pictures for 3 different Business First articles he is doing. Well, by the time we did all of that, I was having pretty strong contractions. However, it was still too sporadic. I eventually went to bed and now I am contraction free. We have since found out that we must buy a new (at least to us) car, as the white car is now a money sucker, with little hope of running well again. So, with the birth of our second child right around the corner (maybe even today!) we are stressing about car buying, etc. However, nothing is ever simple, and we have gotten used to it. As Matty and I discussed yesterday, all these crises have to be looked at in perspective. We are all healthy, we have a beautiful house, one new car, jobs, an amazing daughter, and Ollie on the way. So, enjoy the flashback video. It gives me hope that I will eventually be "normal" again--you know, seeing your feet and all!

". . .you knit me together in my mother's womb"

2008-03-17T20:35:00.005-04:00

So, as you can tell, I am pretty obsessed with babies right now. (Psalms 139:13) I went to the hospital to see Tarah from church and their new baby, Mariah Brooke. She was adorable, and tiny, and so miraculous that I can't believe that I will be having another! What it got me thinking about though, is that this teeny, tiny, little baby is a person who will grow up to have a job, a family, a legacy, a history. Where does it all come from? The classic, "nature vs. nurture" debate, I suppose. Unfortunately, back when I had to really debate it in college, I had very little life experience. Now, I don't know the answers, except that it does seem to be a balance. This picture of Zoey is very indicative of her personality. The joy that she exudes is different from anything I have ever been around. She is emotional--like both Matty and me--but so quick to move on from it, unlike us. I see Matty and me in her--his sense of humor, my love for books and information, our love of storytelling, my impatience doing things that I am not good at, Matty's skepticism. The thing is this: we don't teach her these things. Is she born with them? Or, are children astute observers of the humans around them?

This of course, leads me to wonder if Ollie will be like us? Will he be different? What combinations will emerge? Afterall, he could have Matty's temper, my optimism, our love of words, our hatred of math, and our athletic talent--and he'd be very different than Zoey! It is crazy to think of the combinations of traits that could emerge.

I picked this post title because I have always thought it interesting. I obviously know that "knit" is not really implying with knitting needles, but I have imagined it that way. Knitting--tieing together--in elaborate and intricate ways. Which, in my "nature vs. nurture" debate leads me to the "in my mother's womb" part. This definitely suggests that all those strands, or traits, are tied together before birth. Maybe, like most people, I tend to want to take the credit for the amazing parts of Zoey and say "she was born like that" when it comes to her stubbornness, etc.

Hmmm... going to bed. I keep dreaming that my water breaks. Now I will dream of cosmic knitting needles--an improvement, I assure you.

Good night.
Amber

"Everybody Goes Potty!"

2008-03-14T09:05:00.004-04:00

Yesterday Matty chided me for not crediting Barenaked Ladies for my blog title--I think he called me a plagiarist--so I better fess up that the brillance of today's title is from Bear in the Big Blue House.

This picture is really old but demonstrates an important point in my life right now--Zoey sans diaper! We have tried potty training with her before but her answer was always, "Tomorrow." I think she intuitively knows that Ollie is almost here, or maybe she is finally grossed out by diapers. Now we are bribing her with a treat at the end of the day. The treat is more for genuinely trying than for perfection. So far, there has been an average of one or two accidents a day. The good news is that she actually cares; again, before she didn't really care.

Today is my first internal of the final stretch. I'm curious to see "where I am" in light of my predictions. I said that I'd have the baby March 15th--tomorrow. I'm really hoping, now that I feel better, to go full term. I'm resting, reading The Pillars of the Earth, hanging out with Zoey, and I actually wrote 20 thank you cards yesterday. I'm also growing very philosophical in light of lots of family things that are going on. I am going to sit and blog about the craziness that has been going on, but I do think I need to stay a step back for right now.

Being out of school has reminded me that I am not a stay at home mom, though I am going to make Fiesta Barley Chicken Soup and I did measure tons of Zoey's toys to teach her about inches. I'm kind of bored, still in my pajamas, and the big point of my day to day is to leave the house. Perhaps I'd be good at this if I didn't feel lilke a Heffalump. I have already promised myself that when Ollie comes home from the hospital I'm going to get motivated and dressed in the mornings versus my now lethargic lying around. Again though, I feel 100% better--probably a result of lots of lying around.

"Afraid of Change, Afraid of Staying the Same"

2008-03-13T12:18:00.003-04:00

Anyone who has known me for any length of time quickly figures out that I really don't respond well to the "time in between" of life. I am afraid of change to some degree, and afraid of staying the same to some degree, but what really scares me is the "time in between." I hate when things are just hanging in the balance. Ollie is due April 2nd, I am out of school already, Matty's future career is dependant on so many variables that I've lost track, and I simply feel stuck. All options are actually good--which is pretty unusual for us, or anybody for that matter. Ollie, even if born today, is not premature. School is fine. Matty could become a professional full-time writer or a teacher and he'd excel at both. The feeling stuck is simply boredom, I suppose.

I am nervously trying out this blog. My yahoo 360 account is annoying because no one can leave a comment unless they belong to it. I have had almost 1300 views, but no one can say anything. But, I am scared of change! We'll see how this looks.