"Coach Bob knew it all along: you've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed. You have to keep passing the open windows."

Having just finished Hotel New Hampshire (for at least the 5th or 6th time), I couldn't resist the last few lines of the novel as my blog title of the day. In a more articulate way than I could express, Irving has captured a bit of my mantra--all words swiped from lyrics--"just keep on keepin' on" and "days, up and down they come, like rain on a conga drum" and, Matty's statement of truth: "It's all cyclical. Some times are good. Some times are bad. But nothing stays the same." Days are still dragging on, but I am enjoying reading, hanging out with Zoey (who is having a tea party with Dora and Grape Ape in the picture), and resting. In fact, this is really all there is to today's post. I'm going to take a nap. I know that soon I will need it. Zoey is curled up asleep on the big couch, but I'll even take the love seat and put my feet up. Any day now...
Amber

"Life can be seen to suffer from a dramatic lack of editing."

Not much to report, thus the Larry Mcmutry quote (author of Brokeback Mountain, which I have to confess I have not read or watched). If my Punch and Pie life were the great American novel, this would clearly be time for SOMETHING TO HAPPEN! (My all capital letters is my tribute to John Irving--I'm re-reading Hotel New Hampshire right now, and though only Owen Meany used the ALL CAPS, there is a dressmaker's dummy in both novels, which I had never noticed before.)

Which, incidentally, is the exact opposite of what my doctor is saying. Nothing has happened. I haven't dropped, as I thought (he called the pressure "gravity"). I am not dilated. I am, however, very tired of being pregnant. So is everyone in my house. Zoey wants to know when I'll "get a funny feeling in my belly," which is what I told her about having her. Matty knows better than to even glance at me funny, as I am at the point of bursting in to tears or biting his head off. I feel sorry for the both of them, as neither could ever understand the sheer freakishness of being pregnant. People never really talk about it because becoming pregnant is such a blessing, having a baby an epiphany, etc., etc. However, not being able to sit up from my bed--having to roll out, having no ankles, bleeding gums, roller coaster emotions, etc is no walk in the park.

Luckily, I am looking forward to the moments AFTER Ollie's birth. The single most amazing moment of my entire life was the second Zoey emerged FROM ME to be given TO ME. It was profound and lifechanging. Even though I was still fat, would feed her every two hours around the clock for months on end, and would now be "tied down" with a child, nothing else mattered. I am sure I will feel the same way with Ollie. I did not get baby blues, I got baby bliss. I look at pictures of me--still chubby, a slight mess--but so incredibley happy that entire summer. And that was the summer that Matty lost his job, we rearranged our life, etc. Ollie's entrance in to the world will at least be less complicated in that way. So, as I wish away the days, I do know that I have the bliss that will follow.

If I have not delivered by April 7th, I am going to be induced. That is only 8 more days of being pregnant. My doctor also pointed out that as soon as we set up the induction, I'll surely go in to labor. I can only hope!
Well, enough complaining. I'm hanging in there. I'm just tired of being a burden, unable to do anything for myself, and in constant anticipation of "what it will be like." As always, I don't know what it will be like, and that is the real rub of the situation. Soon...

Amber

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place"

Finally, a moment to finish this trilogy blog. The quote's title is from Zora Neale Hurston, still one of my favorite writers--not so much for what she wrote (which is good) but for how she lived. Anyway.

Now on to the post-Zoey era. Seeing Matty become a daddy was the moment that a new channel of love for him opened up, never to be closed. At the hospital, he just sort of took over things. I never expected that my quiet and shy Matty (that many of you can't fathom), would suddenly dance down the hallways singing "Lola" to our little Zoey, pass out birthday cake to strangers (I turned 31 in the hospital), and suddenly--from deep within Matty crawled this amazingly confident and capable parent. It was a transformation that has informed the rest of his life and mine. I had always loved Matty for his many wonderful qualities, but over the course of those three days I came to admire him as well.

When Zoey was only a few months old, Matty lost his job--essentially downsized. We decided that he would stay home with her for awhile--we didn't know how long. It was the best serendipitious disaster (it seemed) that could have happened. Since then, Zoey and Matty have an undeniable bond ("Maybe my daddy would understand me"), Matty is in school to be a teacher, and he has become a professional reporter/freelancer. He was never happy as a manager, and though writing is stressful, he is definitely happy. I love his writing--he has an awesome turn of phrase and great wit. His humor is always interesting. (Just ask the "Arm the Bears" letter writing campaign) I wish he could actually hear all the compliments people pass on to me.

In many ways, he inspires me to push myself because he is always pushing himself. This past year he encouraged me to publish more. An article I wrote, "Act Your Age," appeared in In Transitions magazine. I know I wouldn't have written it without his encouragement--the nudge. He is always striving (back to that first picture), and it is a great feeling to jump in to his plans with him.

Zoey, of course, changed everything. I'm sure a child always does, but Zoey came to us after thinking that we couldn't have kids. We were also unprepared for the impact she would have on our lives. There is nothing more amazing that a baby, except maybe a toddler! We can't get over her. Sometimes it is like we have a little old lady living with us--she is that profound at times. Other times, as she howls and pretends she is a wolf, it is evident that she inherited Matty's goofy gene. She does seem to be the best of both of us, with a few of our own flaws thrown in for good measure. No doubt she is overly emotional--like us. Stubborn, like us. Loves books and learning, like us. A memory like Matty. Loves stories, like us. She can be "difficult" like me.

The best thing that Zoey brings to us is our sense of doing things right. She unites us in our desire to be good parents, to develop a human being--or, as Matty said a long time ago, "I make my own people!" Yes, we made her, but she is continually making us in to different people as well.

And now, we are on the precipise of something else. I am struggling with the "time in between," as I always do. I am anxious to meet Ollie and see what happens next. You never know. That is mostly what I have learned over the past 11 years hanging out with Matty. You just never know. From Zoey--every day she wakes up and the first thing she asks is "What interesting/fun/cool/thing are we going to do today?" I've learned to make something interesting/fun/cool thing happen. If I keep those two things in mind--"You never know" and the power to make things happen, then I think we'll be ok :)

Matty is still my best friend after all this time. I alluded to the fact that his soul crawled out and became an amazing parent, but mine emerged as well--nothing is the same and Matty has made me who I am now. I happen to like myself, and he deserves much of the credit for coaxing my soul along.

Amber

"I'm ok... when everything is not ok"

Some may wonder why I'd begin the pre-Zoey blog (to continue with my theme) with a picture of Zoey. And, for that matter, what my quote of the day has to do with a very happy time in my life. First, this picture of Zoey is one of my very favorites from last summer. However, it is very appropriate for the pre-Zoey blog in that there is a certain melancholy of watching the waves. Contentedly, but with a tinge of melancholy. When Zoey and I settled in to the silence of the moment captured here, I asked her what she was thinking about. She said, "Nothing. I'm just watching the waves." It was the most Zen moment I've ever witnessed. Thus, the "melancholy but happy at the same time" picture of Zoey to mark the pre-Zoey years.

The quote is from Tori Amos, probably my most favorite female lyricist/singer. I've fell away from her lately, as I think I might be just a little too ordinary for her extraordinary right now. Maybe I'll come back to her soon. Anyway, the quote reminds me of the pre-Zoey times because despite MANY not-ok things, we were wonderful. Some of the highlights/not-ok moments include: bringing Matty pots full of water to put out the flames shooting from his car--a car he had driven several miles ON FIRE, interning for Portsmouth making NO money, Matty traveling a whole lot, buying dress clothes from salvation army to look the part. However, in the midst of those not-ok moments are some of the best flashes of light in my life: going to York beach and swimming in our clothes, playing Karnov with scavaged change, ordering in from Smiley's (who would actually deliver cigarettes, etc. with our order) and paying in mostly quarters, watching tons of movies, going along with Matty on business trips in the summer because we couldn't bear to be apart--I'd stay in the hotel, then hang out in plazas, window shopping for "when we have a house", sneaking away to fly the shark kite I bought Matty for Valentine's day, more pool at Buster's--still very competitive, planning our wedding (with its own very complicated problems) at Sweetlands corner booth, our fairly insane honeymoon where Matty got foodpoisoning, our random trips to the casino--3 hours away!

Most of those crazy things probably don't sound like the best of times, but they were. Sure, we worried about our future (but probably not as much as we should have!), we finally got a house (though we didn't know when we bought a 4 bedroom house that we wouldn't live in for even two years), Matty and I both started to see our careers take off, and we felt invincible. Move to Buffalo? Sure. Teach middle school and college--with no experience in either? Sure. Through it all, we were always planning for the future--"when we have kids" or "when you are tenured" or some other future point. The future was a bright and shiny object up ahead, glinting in the sun. A miracle or a mirage. The excitement was almost unbearable; Matty and I both always on the brink of melancholy, Sunday blues, and sudden sadness. We distracted ourselves with each other, long talks, movies, and future planning. Somehow our 20's felt like the world was too much. The good and bad were so intense.

As I end this post, I'll suggest this: back then, we thought we had some control over our future, some way of planning, some way of saying "This is what will happen next." In my next entry, I'll certainly explore the real truth of the matter, living with the question "What will happen next?"

Through those pre-Zoey years--which were many--Matty and I stuck together through major changes, setbacks, and amazing successes. I don't remember who said it now, but back in my theology days at Allentown College, I scribbled this quote in my notebook: "Marriage is Love's way of growing in to wholeness."

"Don't Stop Believing"

If you don't recognize the reference in the title, you should probably stop reading now. (side note: at a party on Saturday night, when the name "Steve Perry" came up, a woman said, "Isn't he an actor or something?" I thought Matty was going to have an aneurysm right there) This post is going to be a completely self-indulgent ode to my husband, as I am tired of talking about babies, the miracle of life, etc. Instead, as I sit around doing nothing, I'm going to wax nostalgic about my Matty.

So, in an effort to put this all down the way I'd like, I'll divide our life together in to segments: dating/pre-Zoey/post-Zoey. This entry, I'll focus on the dating part, though as you'll see, the words "dating" don't really fit.

Dating: When we met, neither of us really had our "act together." I was finishing my Master's Thesis on Lee Smith, having just worked extensively on Zora Neale Hurston. I lived with a few people--neither of whom I ever talk to anymore--and really was fed up with men in general. Graduate school was terribley disappointing in the guy department for me; I had hoped to meet brilliant men, but instead met lazy poetic boys or budding alcoholics. Matty was working odd jobs (I'll leave that to your imagination), as he was recovering from the trainwreck his life had recently become. Our first rendevous was at the Dover Public Library book sale. In my car, when we were sharing what we had purchased, we were a little taken aback by the fact that we both bought a copy of Catcher in the Rye, which we both already owned. We have since found out that Mark Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon, also felt compelled to buy multiple copies of the novel. At the time, I felt some cosmic shift occurred. Thus, by the way, the middle name Holden for Ollie. (AWWWWW... isn't that cute?? I wasn't going to share that tidbit, but I really do like that part of our story)

Due to the "cosmic shift" which occurred, I found myself living with Matty in all of three days. As we like to say, he invited me for dinner and I never left. Which, for the most part, is true. He made a chicken stirfry. I'd like to defend myself a little, but really can't. I will say that it was very convenient to live together immediately, as we never saw each other. He worked two jobs while I went to graduate school and worked at Foster's Daily Democrat. We spent most of our time sitting at the kitchen table, playing scrabble, drinking hot chocolate, talking in to the very early morning. I say "the kitchen table," not "our kitchen table" because Matty lived in a two room, furnished apartment. Everything came with the apartment, including the mugs from which we drank the hot chocolate. I have to admit that when we moved, I took "my" mug with me. I left a comforter on the daybed though. Yep. We slept in a daybed, with a dog. We began the now famous "book" to record our scrabble games in. Fiercely competitive, we used a blank book that Tim's mom (former college boyfriend) had given me for my birthday, to write one single taunting line to the loser of our scrabble games. We frequently integrated the winning word (or made up word) in to the entry. Here are some samples:

12.27.97 "I kicked your ass on the inaugural game." (AC)
12.28.97 "4 Succcessful challenges of your words--college girl!" (MC)

Then, of course, is the 1.5.98 marathon:

1.5.98 "Tie game 213-->213!!!"
1.5.98 "How in God's name do you expect to win when I get 4 Triple word scores???? 33, 33, 36, 27 . . . Boys rule, girls drool" (MC)
1,5,98 "Choke. Who goes to bed the loser--Boo!" (AC)


We have kept up our scrabble tradition ever since. The overall average right now is Matt 35 games, me 25 games, with 2 ties. I can brag that I won the two games we played in 2007. It truly reflects a different life when we used to play three games in a night, now we played two games in a year. In fact, I am going to demand our first game of 2008 tonight--pathetically late in March, but better late than never.

Random facts of those days: one of the first things I was impressed with about Matty is that he knew how to iron his own clothes and cook; this Broadway apartment's shower was IN the kitchen. You stepped out of this weird little closet, right in to the kitchen; Matty actually worked with Ruthie, one of the girls I lived with when I met him; Nate, my old neighbor, whom I secretly loved, was an employee of Matt's when he owned the bagel shop--the coffee Nate left for me was stolen from there; Ike, Matty's dog, ate my brand new Doc Martins and underwear within the first week I lived there; we played pool at Buster's fairly regularly; our front neighbor's name was "Lucky" and we are fairly certain he ran a prostitution ring; Matty met Rick Landon, who offered him his big break at Anderson; I still remember lying in bed, talking about how this new job would change everything (little did we know that it would eventually land us in Buffalo, NY); Matty wanted to be a writer, even then, but never really spoke of it; I began my teaching career at Portsmouth High School after Matty set up an interview for me for my internship; I smoked A LOT back then; we both swore quite a bit; going to the Strand for a movie and Cafe on the Corner for coffee was a regular passtime; we both named Some Kind of Wonderful as our favorite movie.

Matty was really different back then--socially phobic to a degree. However, that worked in my favor because I had never had a guy who wanted to hang out with me so much and so intensely/intently. Those who know him now would never recognize the shy, quiet, guy I was "dating." We did not have an infatuation period--I knew the complications of his life and he knew mine--right from the start, at Hilton Park, sitting in the old green Cav, chainsmoking and spilling our guts. It worked somehow to know that the other person had a trunkload of baggage. We just decided that we'd team up for life to lug all the baggage around, hopefully getting rid of some along the way, knowing we'd probably pick up more. It has worked.

That first date traipsing in the rain from the booksale, on to Bickford's in Portsmouth, then to Hilton park, then to Cafe on the Corner for the very first scrabble game (where Matty impressed me by winning), was November 8th, 1998. Those days were marked by Sweetland Diner, staying up until the wee hours of the morning, late mornings, endless debates, new beginnings. What I liked about Matty, and still do, is represented in the picture at the beginning of this blog entry. I liked that he was always reaching for the top. No matter what he was doing--even if it was selling credit cards--he wanted to be good at it, the best. If it were a silly scrabble game, he wanted to kill me at it. If it were a game of pool, we'd battle game after game. If it were a debate, he had to bury me. It might sound negative to some people, but I love/d the passion he brought to everything. Maybe it was all the wanna-be hippies I had spent the previous 6 years with, but I was ready for someone who believed in something (though most of the time we disagreed back then!). I was ready for someone with drive, determination, and the ability to overcome their past. For me, that was crucial. I had a past of my own that needed overcoming, and with Matty on my team, I knew I could. He didn't indulge my craziness; he showed me that the right reaction to crazy is crazy. Situations are situations. Good and bad are cycles. Going through things together, instead of around them alone would make life meaningful.

Those early days, though we didn't have much of anything, were the basis of everything.

"Thank You For Being A Friend. . ."

This is Zoey, ready to go to church. We thought that she looked like an old lady, going on a cruise--thus the "Golden Girls" title. We had a great day at the Anderson's and it was really nice not to cook. It is nice to have a family away from family, though I did miss mine this holiday. However, my home is home, and I wouldn't want to be away!

"Here Comes Peter Cottontail"

Zoey's favorite things are holidays and chocolate, so Easter is the perfect day for her. I'll post the posed and dressed up pictures later, but this is the essence of the day for her. Matty and Zoey had a big Easter Egg Hunt in the back yard, despite the remnants of snow. We are going to the Anderson's for Easter dinner after church. They have been very gracious to us through the years--inviting us for holidays, especially before Matty's mom moved here and we had Zoey. We took Chris to lunch yesterday as opposed to an Easter meal today. I am just too big and tired to really "do" Easter in any way other than to go to someone's house!

Zoey is now dressed and ready for Easter at church. She does look adorable. Getting a new Easter dress is one of the big things that I remember from being little. We really must have went all out--I remember getting hats and gloves, new patent shoes, etc. Of course, in Virginia, it was much warmer. We had to buy Zoey a sweater to go over her little dress.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a nice, calm Easter day--responsibility free, thanks to the Andersons. Amber and Brenna, their twins, make perfect playmates for bossy little Zoey :) They are almost two, so they can play well with her. And they still listen to her!

Next year Ollie will be here--almsot a year old. That is hard to imagine right now, since I just want some room to breathe.

"Here we've gone again. . ."

Well, I'm just going to keep putting baby stuff on this blog until Ollie arrives. This video is from when Zoey was about 6 or 7 months old. It is at the old apartment, and our life was so different. At this point, Matty was staying home taking care of Zoey exclusively. He hadn't started college, or writing for any of the newspapers. He took great care of her, and I credit him with her current cool personality. Who wouldn't be cool if they listened to the Scorpions all day??!! The title of the blog today comes from the song that is blaring in the background of the video.

Yesterday, I thought, was the big day. Matty had predicted it, and believe it or not, I actually give his predictions credibility. I had contractions on and off all day, but they may have been caused by the stress of the last few days. The day before yesterday, the white car broke down in the CVS parking lot--just short of a parking space, of course. We had to have it towed. I was shocked how little anyone cared that a woman, 9 months pregnant, was standing in a parking lot with a disabled car and no one offered to help. Matty took care of it, but it was still an eye-opener. Then, we realized yesterday that I really can't be home without a car, so Zoey and I had to go with Matty on a bunch of trips to take pictures for 3 different Business First articles he is doing. Well, by the time we did all of that, I was having pretty strong contractions. However, it was still too sporadic. I eventually went to bed and now I am contraction free. We have since found out that we must buy a new (at least to us) car, as the white car is now a money sucker, with little hope of running well again. So, with the birth of our second child right around the corner (maybe even today!) we are stressing about car buying, etc. However, nothing is ever simple, and we have gotten used to it. As Matty and I discussed yesterday, all these crises have to be looked at in perspective. We are all healthy, we have a beautiful house, one new car, jobs, an amazing daughter, and Ollie on the way. So, enjoy the flashback video. It gives me hope that I will eventually be "normal" again--you know, seeing your feet and all!

". . .you knit me together in my mother's womb"

So, as you can tell, I am pretty obsessed with babies right now. (Psalms 139:13) I went to the hospital to see Tarah from church and their new baby, Mariah Brooke. She was adorable, and tiny, and so miraculous that I can't believe that I will be having another! What it got me thinking about though, is that this teeny, tiny, little baby is a person who will grow up to have a job, a family, a legacy, a history. Where does it all come from? The classic, "nature vs. nurture" debate, I suppose. Unfortunately, back when I had to really debate it in college, I had very little life experience. Now, I don't know the answers, except that it does seem to be a balance. This picture of Zoey is very indicative of her personality. The joy that she exudes is different from anything I have ever been around. She is emotional--like both Matty and me--but so quick to move on from it, unlike us. I see Matty and me in her--his sense of humor, my love for books and information, our love of storytelling, my impatience doing things that I am not good at, Matty's skepticism. The thing is this: we don't teach her these things. Is she born with them? Or, are children astute observers of the humans around them?

This of course, leads me to wonder if Ollie will be like us? Will he be different? What combinations will emerge? Afterall, he could have Matty's temper, my optimism, our love of words, our hatred of math, and our athletic talent--and he'd be very different than Zoey! It is crazy to think of the combinations of traits that could emerge.

I picked this post title because I have always thought it interesting. I obviously know that "knit" is not really implying with knitting needles, but I have imagined it that way. Knitting--tieing together--in elaborate and intricate ways. Which, in my "nature vs. nurture" debate leads me to the "in my mother's womb" part. This definitely suggests that all those strands, or traits, are tied together before birth. Maybe, like most people, I tend to want to take the credit for the amazing parts of Zoey and say "she was born like that" when it comes to her stubbornness, etc.

Hmmm... going to bed. I keep dreaming that my water breaks. Now I will dream of cosmic knitting needles--an improvement, I assure you.

Good night.
Amber

"Everybody Goes Potty!"

Yesterday Matty chided me for not crediting Barenaked Ladies for my blog title--I think he called me a plagiarist--so I better fess up that the brillance of today's title is from Bear in the Big Blue House.

This picture is really old but demonstrates an important point in my life right now--Zoey sans diaper! We have tried potty training with her before but her answer was always, "Tomorrow." I think she intuitively knows that Ollie is almost here, or maybe she is finally grossed out by diapers. Now we are bribing her with a treat at the end of the day. The treat is more for genuinely trying than for perfection. So far, there has been an average of one or two accidents a day. The good news is that she actually cares; again, before she didn't really care.

Today is my first internal of the final stretch. I'm curious to see "where I am" in light of my predictions. I said that I'd have the baby March 15th--tomorrow. I'm really hoping, now that I feel better, to go full term. I'm resting, reading The Pillars of the Earth, hanging out with Zoey, and I actually wrote 20 thank you cards yesterday. I'm also growing very philosophical in light of lots of family things that are going on. I am going to sit and blog about the craziness that has been going on, but I do think I need to stay a step back for right now.

Being out of school has reminded me that I am not a stay at home mom, though I am going to make Fiesta Barley Chicken Soup and I did measure tons of Zoey's toys to teach her about inches. I'm kind of bored, still in my pajamas, and the big point of my day to day is to leave the house. Perhaps I'd be good at this if I didn't feel lilke a Heffalump. I have already promised myself that when Ollie comes home from the hospital I'm going to get motivated and dressed in the mornings versus my now lethargic lying around. Again though, I feel 100% better--probably a result of lots of lying around.

"Afraid of Change, Afraid of Staying the Same"

Anyone who has known me for any length of time quickly figures out that I really don't respond well to the "time in between" of life. I am afraid of change to some degree, and afraid of staying the same to some degree, but what really scares me is the "time in between." I hate when things are just hanging in the balance. Ollie is due April 2nd, I am out of school already, Matty's future career is dependant on so many variables that I've lost track, and I simply feel stuck. All options are actually good--which is pretty unusual for us, or anybody for that matter. Ollie, even if born today, is not premature. School is fine. Matty could become a professional full-time writer or a teacher and he'd excel at both. The feeling stuck is simply boredom, I suppose.

I am nervously trying out this blog. My yahoo 360 account is annoying because no one can leave a comment unless they belong to it. I have had almost 1300 views, but no one can say anything. But, I am scared of change! We'll see how this looks.