Some may wonder why I'd begin the pre-Zoey blog (to continue with my theme) with a picture of Zoey. And, for that matter, what my quote of the day has to do with a very happy time in my life. First, this picture of Zoey is one of my very favorites from last summer. However, it is very appropriate for the pre-Zoey blog in that there is a certain melancholy of watching the waves. Contentedly, but with a tinge of melancholy. When Zoey and I settled in to the silence of the moment captured here, I asked her what she was thinking about. She said, "Nothing. I'm just watching the waves." It was the most Zen moment I've ever witnessed. Thus, the "melancholy but happy at the same time" picture of Zoey to mark the pre-Zoey years.
The quote is from Tori Amos, probably my most favorite female lyricist/singer. I've fell away from her lately, as I think I might be just a little too ordinary for her extraordinary right now. Maybe I'll come back to her soon. Anyway, the quote reminds me of the pre-Zoey times because despite MANY not-ok things, we were wonderful. Some of the highlights/not-ok moments include: bringing Matty pots full of water to put out the flames shooting from his car--a car he had driven several miles ON FIRE, interning for Portsmouth making NO money, Matty traveling a whole lot, buying dress clothes from salvation army to look the part. However, in the midst of those not-ok moments are some of the best flashes of light in my life: going to York beach and swimming in our clothes, playing Karnov with scavaged change, ordering in from Smiley's (who would actually deliver cigarettes, etc. with our order) and paying in mostly quarters, watching tons of movies, going along with Matty on business trips in the summer because we couldn't bear to be apart--I'd stay in the hotel, then hang out in plazas, window shopping for "when we have a house", sneaking away to fly the shark kite I bought Matty for Valentine's day, more pool at Buster's--still very competitive, planning our wedding (with its own very complicated problems) at Sweetlands corner booth, our fairly insane honeymoon where Matty got foodpoisoning, our random trips to the casino--3 hours away!
Most of those crazy things probably don't sound like the best of times, but they were. Sure, we worried about our future (but probably not as much as we should have!), we finally got a house (though we didn't know when we bought a 4 bedroom house that we wouldn't live in for even two years), Matty and I both started to see our careers take off, and we felt invincible. Move to Buffalo? Sure. Teach middle school and college--with no experience in either? Sure. Through it all, we were always planning for the future--"when we have kids" or "when you are tenured" or some other future point. The future was a bright and shiny object up ahead, glinting in the sun. A miracle or a mirage. The excitement was almost unbearable; Matty and I both always on the brink of melancholy, Sunday blues, and sudden sadness. We distracted ourselves with each other, long talks, movies, and future planning. Somehow our 20's felt like the world was too much. The good and bad were so intense.
As I end this post, I'll suggest this: back then, we thought we had some control over our future, some way of planning, some way of saying "This is what will happen next." In my next entry, I'll certainly explore the real truth of the matter, living with the question "What will happen next?"
Through those pre-Zoey years--which were many--Matty and I stuck together through major changes, setbacks, and amazing successes. I don't remember who said it now, but back in my theology days at Allentown College, I scribbled this quote in my notebook: "Marriage is Love's way of growing in to wholeness."
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